Motherhood Mondays: Do you kiss your babies on the mouth? Or your parents?

On this Motherhood Monday, I'd love to talk about kissing babies.

First, here's a little story: When I was sixteen, we went to visit my grandparents in England. One night, I was saying good night to my grandfather. "Good night, Dilly," I said, standing next to his armchair, and then I leaned over and gave him a peck on the mouth. We had always kissed my parents on the lips, and I figured that was appropriate. I thought it was just what you did!

"Oh, yes, uh, well, Joanna," he said, flustered and almost dropping his whisky. Then he pulled himself together and looked up at me. "You know, I always say, 'A man should kiss his father on the forehead, kiss his friends and family on the cheek, and kiss his wife on the lips.'"

Oh, I thought, blushing a shade of lobster red. Good to know. I was mortified! After that, I stuck to cheek-kisses for pretty much everyone (even high-school boyfriends, but that's another story).

Fast forward fifteen years: Now that I have my own baby, I can't help kissing him all over the face, including his slobbery mouth. I basically make out with him. :) Nothing feels better than drool-y kisses from a baby. It feels instinctual. And I remember seeing a French movie years ago where the mother kissed her five-year-old daughter on the mouth, and it seemed sweet and natural (and chic:).

Funnily enough, though, Alex feels differently. I remember the day after Toby was born, we were still in the hospital, and I turned to Alex and said, "Oh, you have to kiss him on the mouth, it feels so good, you have to try it," and Alex was like, "No, thanks, I'll kiss him right here...on the top of the head." I teased him good-naturedly but, a year later, he's still rocking the forehead peck.

So, I'm curious: Do you kiss your babies on the mouth? What about older children? Was there an age where you stopped? Have you ever kissed your parents on the mouth? Do you think it's lovely or entirely inappropriate? I would LOVE to hear your thoughts!

(Top photo of Toby; bottom photos by Anais and Alain)

Motherhood Mondays: On babysitters

My lovelies, for this Motherhood Monday, let's talk about babysitters.

Our very first babysitter was Naudia, who is still with us. (In the photo above, she's reading Toby his favorite story--he was only 3 months old.)

One thing that really surprised me was how hard it was to leave Toby with a babysitter for the first time. (How old were your babies when you first got a babysitter?) For us, Toby was two months old. Alex and I had planned to go to lunch and take a bike ride, and Naudia came over to babysit. But as soon as we walked out the door, I wanted to turn around and walk right back in. (My heart was racing!) Alex encouraged me to take a break and enticed me with the promise of roast chicken and fries at a nearby French bistro. I downed a glass of wine during lunch to calm my nerves and then took a wobbly bike ride while obsessing about Toby the entire time. I must have texted Naudia 1,000 times during our three-hour date! It's funny because I knew rationally that nothing bad was going to happen, but I felt so anxious--my heart was in my throat. As a new mom, my emotions were so heightened. (Did you mamas feel the same?)

Thankfully, each consecutive time that Alex and I went out, I felt more and more comfortable, and I'm so glad that Alex encouraged me. You don't always realize how much you need a break until you take one. I would return home a much more relaxed, refreshed and reinvigorated mother. (And now, of course, it's all much easier now that Toby's older!)

Nowadays Naudia is like part of our family. We completely adore her. She now babysits Toby while I work from home. When she arrives in the morning, Toby peeks over the banister and yelps and kicks with excitement. She has cute nicknames for him, takes him on "dates", and she even has his photo as her phone's wallpaper. And it's funny how quickly the walls break down when someone works in your home: She's seen Alex and me half asleep, in our pajamas (and one embarrassing morning--when Alex didn't realize that she had arrived yet--without pajamas), with messy hair, without makeup, worrying, laughing, even crying. Since I work from home in our teeny apartment, we're around each other so much; it's such an intimate relationship. It's hard to imagine ever not having her in our lives!

(By the way, years ago, I read a fascinating book called Searching for Mary Poppins, which features a collection of mothers' essays about the complex relationship between mothers and nannies. I'd highly recommend it.)

I'm so curious: Have you babysat before? If you're a mom, do you like your babysitters? Where did you find them? Have you ever had not-so-great babysitting experience? I would love to hear...
(Naudia giving Toby his very first massage. She kept saying, "He's found his utopia!":)

P.S. More about motherhood, pregnancy and babies.

Motherhood Mondays: What baby names do you like?

My darlings, on this Motherhood Monday, I'd love to talk about baby names! Do you have favorites? When Alex and I first found out that we were expecting a child, we were so giddy (and, um, surprised:) that we couldn't sleep. So we found ourselves in our dark living room at 2 a.m. brainstorming names. Our top boy's names were Toby, Julian, Charlie, and Elliot (ahh, I still love Elliot). For girl's names, I liked Sophie, and he liked Samantha, but we couldn't decide on one that we both loved. (Girls names are surprisingly tough!)

My friend Nora told us a funny way to analyze names: The Blind Date Test. Pretend someone is setting up your college-aged child on a blind date. They'd ask, "Hey, want to meet my friend Toby?" Now think: How would you picture that person, just based on the name? Would you want to meet them? It's a surprisingly good way to get a feel for the name, don't you think? :)

There are also such cool unusual names these days. Toby's friends include Zelda, Quinn, Sailor, Elodie and Meriwether. (Aren't those all amazing?) The Baby Name Voyager shows you how popular every name has been since the 1880s. (Warning: It's totally addictive.)

So, I'd love to ask: What baby names do you like? Do you prefer offbeat names, or would you stay more traditional? Would you name your child after a relative? Do you like your own name? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

P.S. This baby name book looks great:
(Top photo by Raul Gutierrez)

Motherhood Mondays: On having a boy

My darlings, sorry for the late post today! I've been thinking about this one all day, and finally had a chance to write it out.

So, I'd love to ask: When you think of having children, do you ever secretly hope for a boy or a girl? Even though people don't really talk about it, I actually think it's really common to wish for one or the other.

When you're pregnant, the most important thing on your mind, of course, is having a healthy baby. Anyone who is given that gift is blessed beyond belief. I definitely did not take that for granted and felt hugely lucky to be having a baby.

But also, in my heart of hearts, when we found out we were going to have a baby, I secretly hoped that we would have a girl. I had always imagined having a daughter and doing all those fun girly things together--playing with dolls, going to ballet lessons, having heart-to-heart mother/daughter conversations, and doing all the classic (and cliched) things that are part of girlhood. I loved being a girl (and am really close to my own mom); and thought it would be such fun to raise one.

So when we found out that we were expecting a boy, I was so excited and couldn't wait to meet the little man. But part of me couldn't help secretly feeling a little disappointed. I felt really guilty for feeling that way (was I a terrible person? the gender shouldn't matter as long as the baby is healthy, right?), but the feeling remained. I had always pictured having a daughter...and now we weren't.

Plus, I kept thinking about how didn't know a single thing about boy stuff. The guys in my family are really male--they all are obsessed with motorcycles and pranks and windsurfing and whisky. Would Alex and our baby bond over sports, while I wouldn't be able to share that with them, I wondered? When we were growing up, my brother and dad talked endlessly about motorcycle parts and car racing; what if my baby boy wanted to talk about cars? I didn't know a thing about them--or care! And I'm a wuss about rollercoasters and swimming in the ocean and those types of boy-ish rough-and-tumble activities. What if he were into those things? Would I be the lame mom sitting nervously on the bench while my son bonded with all the more adventurous types?

I really worried that I wouldn't be able to connect to a boy...or, more aptly, that he wouldn't connect to me.

But then.

Toby arrived.

Once the doctor put my red-faced, wrinkly, sweet, beautiful baby boy into my arms, EVERYTHING changed.

I can tell you with all my heart, now that Toby has entered our lives, it is the most incredible, moony experience, and now I CANNOT imagine having anything other than my delicious baby boy. When he was brand new, he was so tiny, vulnerable and sweet. When I breastfed him, and he'd snuggle up and put his little hand on my chest and look into my eyes, I would just swoon.

Now that he's eleven months old, he is so lovely and has such a sweet, open demeanor. He giggles, he coos, he stands on full tippy-toe. He touches my face with serious concentration. He loves reading books and eating pears and looking out the window. Sometimes when he's asleep at night, I'll tiptoe into the nursery just to lean down and put my head near his; I love seeing his out-of-proportion body sleeping there: his big head, small shoulders, big diaper butt, and short legs. I pat his back and smell his sweet milky breath. I am totally enamored and enchanted by him. He is my little man, my lovely little boy.

Having a son has turned out to be the most amazing thing, and my apprehensions and fears seem so silly now. I'm so excited to bring him up, and previously boring things like baseball and water pistols are suddenly super thrilling, since I see them through his sweet little eyes. The other day, I was riding my bike downtown and saw a dinosaur-shaped balloon and couldn't stop thinking about how cool it was. :)

Oh, how Toby has opened my eyes!

Anyway, I thought I'd tell you, my sweet readers, since people don't often talk about their preferences for a boy or a girl (it seems like it shouldn't matter) but I think it's very normal to initially crave one over the other. And I wanted to be honest and share how needlessly worried I had been. I'm curious: Do you secretly hope for a boy or girl? How have your thoughts changed, if you've had a baby? I'm so curious to hear -- from everyone from mamas and mamas-to-be! Leave your comment anonymously, if you'd like!

(Photo credit unknown, via Abby Sharp)

Breastfeeding love

I'm totally in love with this nursing photo and can't stop looking at it.

Moms, how long did you breastfeed your babies? And moms-to-be, how long do you imagine you will? Three months? Six months? A year? Toddler-age? Or not at all? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

(Photo by Michal Rubin)

Saturday morning

Toby had a bit of a tummy ache on Saturday, so we spent the morning lounging around. It was really fun to lie around doing nothing except playing with his bird toy and giving raspberries.

P.S. You know when you were a little kid and your parents were your safe haven? It's strange/amazing to be that for someone now. Sometime I think, wait, I can't be a mom, I'm just a random person, I don't know all the answers! But I guess our moms were the same way? I still sort of think my mom knows everything.

Breastfeeding in public

Yesterday, Alex, Toby and I went on a leisurely walk around the West Village. (It was such a pretty fall day!) Toby breastfed a couple times while we were out, and Alex took a few photos, which I figured I'd share.

Since Toby was born, I've met so many wonderful moms who are nervous about breastfeeding in public--they worry that people will give them weird looks or say something negative, or they just feel uncomfortable baring a boob.

I totally understand that, and when I was pregnant, I thought I might be shy, too. But once Toby was born, I actually found myself feeling surprisingly passionate about breastfeeding in public. After all, I figured, I'm feeding a child, and what's more important than that? (Also, it's cool in France!:)

I was also really encouraged by my friend Leigh and her blog (she writes a lot about breastfeeding). When Toby was one week old, I breastfed him in public for the first time, and I actually texted Leigh to thank her for inspiring me. She wrote back, "You fierce, fearless mama! You go right ahead." I loved that. :)

When I was pregnant, I had also read a few stories about restaurant owners or random passersby saying negative things to nursing women now and again, so I came up with a phrase that I'd have at the ready, just in case. Want to hear it? :) I planned to say, "It's my legal right to breastfeed my baby anywhere in public or private; if you have a problem with it, you can look away." Haha, sounds dramatic, but I felt good knowing that I'd have a reply, if the situation ever arose! Luckily, strangers have actually been great. You know, 99% of the time, people don't even notice that you're breastfeeding (it's so subtle!); and when they do realize it, people have even walked by and said, "Aw, that's so sweet," or "Isn't that beautiful?" which was a nice surprise.

Overall, I'd love to encourage women to feel proud to nurse their sweet babies in public. As you can see from the photos, it's really modest (the baby's head covers up almost everything; and I'm also wearing a Boob nursing shirt). At this point, I've ended up breastfeeding Toby all over the city, and it has been a wonderful, fun, cozy, intimate, freeing experience. Now I barely think twice about it! I just bust out the boob!

Anyway, I want to give a huge thumbs up to all you mamas out there, no matter what you choose to do! If you don't want to breastfeed in public, by all means, don't; but if you do want to or are thinking about it, please feel encouraged to go for it. And know that I'll be here in the blogosphere, rooting you on. xoxoxo

P.S. Here are a few fascinating blog posts on breastfeeding in public.

10 things to wear as a nursing mother

A few readers have requested a post about nursing wear, so I thought I'd share my ten favorite things from the past five months, in hopes that it might be helpful...

Clockwise from top left:

1. Not to sound like a broken record, but I am in love with Gap skinny jeans. They're flattering, not-too-expensive and perfect for new moms. (And if you don't believe me, take it from Jenny and Abbey, too!)

2. When carrying a baby around town, I've been surprised how tricky it is to juggle a regular diaper bag and balance it over one shoulder. So instead I've gotten hooked on backpacks. At first I figured that I'd look like a dorky seventh grader, but I love the backpacks from etsy shop LetsPlayAllDay. She even makes them in stripes and polka dots!

3. The Ergo is the comfiest baby carrier I've used, by far. It's easy to put on, and Toby can cuddle up against my chest as we walk around the city.

4. Ray-Bans somehow miraculously manage to make you feel cool even when you're covered in spit-up.

5. Stud earrings, like these stars, are pretty and can't be grabbed and pulled by little hands.

6. Boob nursing wear is, hands down, the best nursing wear I've found. The Swedish brand makes adorable, uber-flattering T-shirts, tank tops, dresses, and even hoodie sweatshirts with a subtle fold-over flap that you just lift up a little when you want to breastfeed. I wear these all around New York City and feel very comfortable and modest when feeding Toby, even as countless strangers walk right by us. It's surprisingly hard to find Boob designs in the U.S., but thankfully Due Maternity (and the Upper Breast Side, if you live in New York) carry some of their pieces. (Update: Erica let me know you can order from Stockholm Objects, too. Yay!)

7. With a baby in your arms (or in the Ergo), it's hard to bend over to tie your shoes. So slip-on shoes come in handy! French Bensimon sneakers are cute and comfy, and Minnetonka moccasins and striped espadrilles would work well, too.

8. Nursing bras can be hideously functional, but Elle Macpherson nursing bras are (surprise!) super sexy. When the lace at the top peeks out under your a V-neck tee, it looks like a flirty camisole.

9. These days, many people use their cell phones to check the time, but when I have Toby in my arms, it's not always easy to grab around for my phone. So I've started wearing a cheap Timex men's watch, which I really like.

10. Finally, as a nursing mom, your breasts might leak milk. (We were at brunch with friends a few months ago, and milk literally started dripping through my T-shirt onto the table. Awkward!) But if you tuck Lansinoh nursing pads into your bra, they absorb the milk and prevent leaking. Now I wear them night and day. (Bonus: They also make your boobs look bigger :)

Hope this helps -- and huge congratulations to all you new moms and moms-to-be out there!

First days with Toby

My lovelies, thank you so much for your sweet comments on our birth story. It felt so wonderful to reminisce. Now I'd love to share a few photos of the rest of our hospital stay, if you'd like to see...(This photo above is one of my all-time faves!)
About an hour after Toby was born, our nurse brought us to the maternity ward, where we would be staying for two nights. In New York City hospitals, you typically share a room with another new mom. (Is that true for other cities, too?) It's totally fine, though, because a curtain goes around your half of the room for privacy, so you feel surprisingly separate; and it's also nice to have another mom around to talk to. (Private rooms were also available, but they cost a whopping $900 to $1100 per night! Yowza.)
We lucked out and got the bed by the window. Looking over the East River, we watched the sailboats during the day, and the twinkling city lights at night. We felt like we were on vacation.
I was exhausted after pulling an all-nighter and giving birth, but also so high on life that I couldn't sleep. I felt dreamy and giddy and wanted to soak up every moment with Toby.
A few friends came by and brought orange juice, sandwiches and bouquets of flowers. (This beautiful bunch is from Abbey, who arranged it herself!)
One funny thing is that newborn babies are typically sooooo sleepy that they won't wake up even when they're hungry. So, the nurses encouraged us to rouse Toby for a meal every four hours or so. But even when he was eating, he'd fall asleep at the breast, and I'd have to tickle his chin or cheek to remind him about the task at hand. :)
I adore this sweet photo. He looks just like his sonogram!
Babies lose weight right after they're born, so in this photo, Toby is a mere 5 pounds 8 ounces. A little sparrow! It's crazy to remember on how small he was (especially compared to how chubby he is now:) He was floppy, smelled like milk, had wrinkly dinosaur feet, and was covered in that lovely newborn baby fuzz.
A funny thing about staying at a New York City hospital is that they'll bring you free meals from their own cafeteria, but they also have a huge binder of neighborhood restaurant menus in case you want to order delivery. The first night after Toby was born we ordered in falafel!The nurses taught us how to swaddle Toby into a little burrito. Babies apparently love being wrapped tightly, since it reminds them of the womb; they also like rocking, bouncing and white noise--including hairdryers!
It was such a magical time. We were thrilled with our time at Weill Cornell, whose staff gave us such gentle care (the nurses were wonderful). Thank you again for reading our birth story and being so lovely all along the way. Sending a big kiss to all of you xoxo

Our birth story

My dears, at looong last, I'd love to share our birth story with you. Here goes...xoxo
On the warm spring evening of Monday, May 24th, Alex and I were hanging out at home. My belly was getting enormous (and tight as a drum), so we took a few random snapshots, just for fun. Toby’s due date was more than a week away, so we didn't expect to go into labor anytime soon (let alone in a matter of hours!).
Alex and I had Indian food for dinner, and I roped him into watching The Bachelorette. (When you're nine months pregnant, you control the remote.)

After the show, we were just hanging out in the living room, when I started getting cramps very low down, like menstrual cramps. At that point in my pregnancy, everything was pretty creaky and uncomfy, so I just figured, “Ahh, more aches and pains, nothing new here.” As Alex and I chatted, I moaned softly and told him about the cramps, but I was convinced that it was false labor, since my belly wasn't tightening, like my birthing books had said it would. Luckily, Alex wisely ignored me and started timing my contractions. They were five minutes apart.
Over the next couple hours, the cramps kept getting stronger, and I went to lie down in the bedroom. I was pretty uncomfortable at this point, and I admitted that there was a small chance I was in labor, but I still doubted it. (What was I thinking? In hindsight, it was so obvious!) A little after midnight, Alex suggested we call the doctor. The doctor said that we might be in early labor, and if the cramps sped up and became stronger, we should come into the hospital. Shortly afterwards, the contractions became three minutes apart…it was game time!
Now that we knew it was (mostly likely) actual labor, Alex and I were out-of-our-minds excited. I couldn't believe it was really happening and that we would meet our baby soon. Alex grabbed our hospital suitcase, and we headed downstairs to catch a cab. We laughed at how obvious the scene must have looked to passersby: It was 2 in the morning, and a harried guy holding one small suitcase was flagging a cab, while his enormously pregnant wife clutched her belly beside him. What else would we possibly be doing?
(This photo cracks me up.) A cab stopped to pick us up, and I clutched the windowsill and tried to keep my moans to a minimum, so as not to freak out the driver. After a twenty-minute cab ride uptown, we arrived at Weill Cornell Medical Center. We were taken to a triage room, where the doctors decide if you should be admitted. They checked my dilation, and it was only 2 centimeters! You have to be dilated 10 centimeters to deliver a baby, so I had hoped that we'd be further along, but was thrilled to get the official word that we were in labor. Luckily, my contractions were so strong and close together that they admitted us. (The admitting doctor at first contemplated sending us for a walk around the block! Yeah, right!)

We moved into our labor room around 3:30am. The room was big and beautiful, and it felt very peaceful and hushed in the middle of the night. We couldn’t believe we were in the place where we would meet our little baby! It all felt very exciting and surreal. Our nurse, Erika, was really sweet and calming and explained that she'd keep an eye on us, and we could buzz her on a little remote control anytime we needed her.

For the next few hours, my contractions grew stronger and stronger. I tried different labor techniques, including walking around the room with Alex's support, sitting on the bed, lying on my side, splashing water on my face, and picturing my "happy place" (my grandparents' seaside village in England). Alex offered to massage my lower back (we'd even brought a tennis ball to help), but I was surprised to find that I didn’t want to be touched at all. We’d also brought calming music, but I wanted complete silence.

Another surprise: I’d expected to feel self-conscious about moaning. Weeks earlier, I had even asked Alex if he would “co-moan” with me (which I'd read about in a book) so that I’d feel less shy. (Since then we've laughed about it; it sounded a little ridiculous.) But during labor, I didn’t even remember that. I was just so focused on each contraction that I couldn't think about anything else. I tried to visualize my body opening up to let the baby move down and found it really helpful.

A third surprise was that I expected labor to feel really long. When I heard that labor can last hours or even days, I figured that it might feel endless. But in the moment, I was so incredibly focused that time passed really quickly. I'd look at the clock, and it would be 4:30am and then I’d glance back up just a few moments later, and it would be 5:30am. The hands of the clock were spinning! It felt almost like a cartoon.
As I labored, Alex brought me glasses of water and told me he loved me, which was so nice to hear and kept me feeling relaxed. I loved having him there. I don’t know how so many women of past generations could labor without their husbands in the room. (Alex's mom told us that her husband wasn't even allowed in!) Last fall, when we first found out that we were expecting, Alex half-joked, “I might be a hand-out-cigars-in-the-waiting-room kind of guy,” since he was nervous about being there during labor, but during my pregnancy and delivery, he was totally incredible. He’s naturally very mellow (a true Californian), so he brought such a calm energy to the labor room and made me feel safe and supported.

As the labor progressed, three things helped me more than anything else: Alex fed me ice chips, which were hugely refreshing. He put cold damp paper towels on my forehead and wiped my face during each contraction, which felt wonderful and helped distract me from the intense pressure. Most of all, I responded enormously to his positive encouragement. He’d say things like, “You’re doing a great job; you're so amazing; I'm so proud of you; our sweet baby boy is coming into the world because of you.” (Those words still make me tear up!) Every time he’d say something buoying, I’d feel a huge new wave of energy. I was amazed at how well positive encouragement helped, and I was so grateful to him.

A few hours later, around 7am, the doctor checked me again. After four hours of contractions, I had dilated only ONE centimeter! And I still had seven more to go. I was a little bummed. The doctor estimated that I'd probably labor all day and deliver sometime later that evening.
Alex and I discussed my getting an epidural and decided it would be a good idea. I got an epidural at 7:30am (which felt like a rush of ice water down my back), and the pain went away almost immediately. I could still feel a bit of pressure during the contractions and felt in control of my body and labor, but there was no pain at all. The following hour was blissful! Alex even took a nap next to me in a chair. He encouraged me to get some sleep, too, but I was too excited and just lay there thinking about Toby.

About an hour later, however, my lower back began to intensely ache. The nurse explained that I was having back labor, which was caused by the baby descending and pressing against my lower back. The doctors explained that although the epidural eases regular contractions, there's not much they can do for back labor.

As the labor intensified, I slipped into a focused zone. I was essentially feeling the contractions in my lower back. I couldn't talk other than moaning during contractions. I felt shaky and a little nauseous. (Looking back, I now know I was in transition from active labor to the pushing phase--typically the most difficult part of labor.)

Suddenly, around 11am, I felt a strong urge to go to the bathroom. I buzzed the nurse, and when she arrived, I explained, in all seriousness, “I have to go to the bathroom right away. Would you mind unhooking me from the heart-rate monitor and helping me walk over?” (Looking back, I realize how crazy that must have sounded! I just didn't think I was far along.)

The nurse explained that it would actually be impossible for me to go to the bathroom, since the baby was blocking everything; she said the sensation was caused by the baby moving down into my pelvis.

“It’s a good sign,” she said. “It means you’re moving closer to delivering the baby."

"No," I insisted, "I have to push now. Like really, really have to push. Like, I have this crazy huge urge to push and I just have to do it. Would you mind getting the doctor right away?"

I could tell that the nurse didn't really believe me, but after some convincing, she called the doctor. When the doctor arrived, she also doubted that I could have dilated so quickly. (After all, they were expecting me to labor all day, and it was only noon.) But when she checked me, her eyes popped.

“Oh, Joanna, you’re fully dilated!” she said. "It's go time!"

She pulled on a mask and scrub cap and called in her team of nurses and resident doctors. (The doctor who delivered us was a-maz-ing; she was tall and athletic and had the can-do spirit of someone who would climb Everest.)

“Dad, grab a leg!” she told Alex. (Before going into labor, I had demurely planned to ask Alex to stay up by my head, but at that moment, I didn’t care at all.)

The next part was like out of the movies, where you have your legs up and you’re huffing and puffing to push out the baby. It was so, so exciting and intense. I got nervous about the increasing pain, but the doctor said, “When you feel like you need to push, I’ll count to ten, and you push as hard as you can for those ten seconds.”

It was tough and I got a little freaked out by the pain. I would push really hard for about six seconds and then back off. At one point, I even found myself secretly thinking, 'I don't really have to deliver this baby; I'll just stay like this from now on, no big deal.' But the doctor and nurses and Alex were all cheering for me to push and giving me tons of encouragement. I was pushing and pushing, and at one point, I cried out, “I can't do it!” The doctor's awesome response? “Joanna, you CAN do it…you ARE doing it." Finally, after pushing for about twenty minutes, I thought, 'OK, Joanna, let's get this job done.' So I told myself that instead of being scared of the pain, I would just focus on the doctor's voice counting to ten, and that’s all I would think about for those ten seconds. So, for the next push, I put the pain out of my mind, and did an enormous push while I focused on her count each of those ten seconds. And, lo and behold, the baby’s head popped out! Everyone gave a hearty cheer, and Alex was just staring wide-eyed. The doctor told me to reach down and feel the baby's head, which was totally surreal and amazing and gave me another boost of energy.

The doctor instructed me to push when I felt the urge, and I kept pushing as hard as I could, but the next few times, the baby only budged a little bit. Then our doctor said, "You're so close, Joanna; this baby could be out with the next push.” And I thought to myself, 'Ok, then, if he can be out, he will be out!'

What happened next was really strange: I heard myself ROAR. I didn't know I was going to. But I just took a huge breath, squeezed my eyes closed, and put every bit of strength I had into pushing with all my might--and roared like an animal!

And then, whoosh! The baby slithered out like a slippery fish. It was such a funny, unexpected, amazing, thrilling feeling.
So it was at 12:40pm that the doctor placed teeny Toby into my arms. He was purplish-red and wet and crying, and my heart felt like it was going to burst. He felt soft and smooth, and I was weeping and laughing. It was so magical to be cuddling our sweet sweet baby in my arms after nine months. I would have a million babies just for that moment.
His lovely new baby lungs in action! What a little hero!
After a moment, the baby nurse took him to weigh and clean him. His mouth was so giant; he looked like Mick Jagger.
The overwhelming love of a mama starts immediately.
I couldn't stop gazing into Toby's squinting eyes and stroking his wet little head.
This is the photo we sent to our families from Alex's phone that morning.
Toby looks so regal and proud of himself in this photo! (And he had the hugest puppy-dog hands! They looked like they were made of clay.)
There's nothing sweeter than seeing your husband hold your new baby. (Fun fact: Alex had held a baby maybe twice in his life before this.)
After the doctors had left the room, Alex came close to me, and I cuddled Toby in my arms and gave him his first feed. He latched right on to the breast, and it was so cozy and intimate. I felt such overwhelming waves of love, and everything felt perfect and wonderful. The way our bodies work is so amazing; your body grows a baby (a baby!), delivers it and then feeds it with milk. I also have such great newfound respect for all mothers for bringing their babies into the world, and for babies for doing such a great job being alive.

Remembering that day still makes me weepy. Thank you so much for reading our story and being so lovely throughout our pregnancy, as well. It has been such a joy to share everything with you. This week I'll share a few photos from the rest of our hospital stay, and Alex would love to share his side of the birth story, as well. xoxoxoxoxoxo