Brooke Williams: "Our Secrets to a Happy Marriage"

One of the smartest things anyone ever said to Josh was that marriage is like a garden. You have to tend to it every day lest it become overgrown with weeds. Now we try to nip any issues that may come up in the bud. Just today, for example, Josh left me holding our 21-month-old daughter while he ran inside to grab a last-minute item before we set off to catch a ride into town. He checked his email and (as happens so often when you run your own business) got caught up in a work-related emergency that needed immediate attention. When he emerged ten minutes later explaining what was up, rather than a) blowing up or b) seething and saying nothing, I chose option c) gently reminding him that he left the two of us hanging and that a quick "hey, something's come up, I'll be a few minutes" would go a long way. He apologized, we both felt better, lesson learned, annoying afternoon averted!

Another super important tip: Make your relationship a priority, especially when you have a family. What your kids need most is to be loved by parents who are happy and productive participants in the world. And what keeps your partner feeling great is a spouse who feels great too. So get a babysitter so you can have date night, or take that ceramics (or karate or skydiving) course that you've always wanted to take. The whole family will be better off.

Last word to the wise--everything is a negotiation and agreement. Remember that there are two parties in the relationship, and together you're so much greater than the sum of your parts. When you're headed out to see District 9 instead of Julie & Julia, you may just find that the action flick is exactly what the doctor ordered.

-- Brooke Williams and Josh Liberson

Anne Sage: "My Secret to a Happy Marriage"

When you're married, your partner's pain becomes your pain. You long to carry the weight of the world for each other. When he has a tough day at work, I want to march down to his office and battle his demons. When I would rather jump off a cliff than compose yet another blog post, he wishes he could write in my stead. But you can't do everything for your partner, nor should you diminish each other's self-sufficiency.

So, instead, we find small ways to lighten the other's load. I can't sit through his boring five-hour conference call but I can pick him up at the train station and give him a big hug. He can't scour the web for the ten best ottomans, but he can bring me a mug of hot tea and some fuzzy socks. Small tokens of unsolicited support make a big impact and say, 'I love you, I'm proud of you, I think you're doing a great job.' At the end of the day, isn't that all we want to hear anyway?

-- Anne Sage, The City Sage

Sujatha: "My Secret to a Happy Marriage"

I thought long and hard about the marriage tip. Again and again, I came back to this scripture: "Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud. Love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable. Love does not keep a record of wrongs, love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and it's faith, hope and patience, never fail." We've tried to practice this in our most difficult times, and it has always worked.

-- Sujatha and Paul Kalanithi, my sister's husband's parents, who have one of the loveliest, sweetest and funniest marriages I've ever seen.

Brooke Reynolds: "My Secret to a Happy Marriage"

Take a mini-moon. Frequently. Mini-moons originated with my parents who were married between the fall and winter break in college, and so didn't have time for a proper honeymoon. To make up for it, they took little vacations they called "mini-moons," where they would leave their six kids in the hands of a capable babysitter and spend a weekend away.

Following in my parents' footsteps, my husband John and I have recently begun taking mini-moons of our own. We actually have to force ourselves to plan a few days where we can ditch work, leave the kids and spend the weekend however we'd like.

Visit a city you've never been to before, check out that B&B you saw online, drive to the next town up the road and pretend you're far from home. It needn't be expensive or elaborate, just a few days to refocus and reconnect.

-- Brooke Reynolds, Inchmark

Stacy Lucier: "My Secret to a Happy Marriage"

Getting married is one thing. Getting married, staying married, and *enjoying marriage* is a whole different ball game. After being married over a year, I could recommend little things like cook more, wear lingerie and a variety of other “do these things and your marriage will be happy.” However, these things are lame. Just watch the Desperate Housewives of Orange County and you will know what I mean.

In my opinion, a happy marriage comes down to two things: 1) Talk it out, and 2) Do what you’ve been doing...

Talk. Talk. Talk. Whether it's a debate over what to eat for dinner, deciding where to go on vacation, or just talking about work, talk about it all. Practice makes perfect, so get good. Eventually every marriage hits a rough spot, and if you can’t talk about bacon for breakfast, how are you ever going to talk about bigger issues like money, kids and your sex life? If you can’t talk about everything, you won't make it to 85, grey-haired and wrinkled.

Do what you've been doing, as in, be the person you were before marriage. People sometimes think marriage is a green light to change. You think, 'Now I should buy a house, have babies, cook more at home, let myself go...' But you got married because you liked each other. So if you went out before, go out now. There's no rule that says married folks can’t drink too much on a Friday night. If you had “ladies” night and “boys” night before, have it now. And take care of yourself! You want to be a woman your husband can brag about, and more importantly, you want to be a woman *you* can brag about.

-- Stacy Lucier, La Boudoir

Leigh: "My Secret to a Happy Marriage"

When Taro and I first met (at a cocktail party), we got into a deep conversation right off the bat. We immediately connected over our free-spirited and artistic upbringings and compared notes about the rather unconventional ways that we envisioned raising children. Amazingly, we were both proponents of home birth (Taro was actually born at home) and unschooling (I never attended conventional school prior to college), and we even agreed that, for us, breastfeeding and co-sleeping were important aspects of raising healthy children.

We're madly in love, have tons of fun together and experience a strong mutual physical attraction. But our shared beliefs about family continue to be an integral part of our marriage. Now that we have our own children, I'm so grateful to have found a mate with whom the journey of parenthood is a joy, not a source of strife.

How will you choose to birth, discipline, feed, educate and care for your children? Making these connections early on will help lay a strong foundation for your relationship. If you share similar ideals about childrearing, that commonality will continue to bond you powerfully through the years.

-- Leigh, Marvelous Kiddo, who just welcomed her second son!

(Photo by Liz Rubincam)

Cara: "My Secret to a Happy Marriage"

Pancakes for breakfast are the secret to a happy marriage. (Pancakes for breakfast are the secret to a happy anything actually.)

My husband and I make pancakes for breakfast on the weekend at least once a fortnight. First, they're delicious and sharing something delicious makes people happy. Second, once you've covered them in maple syrup and blueberries and occasionally ice cream, they feel kind of naughty, and when you each feel like a 7-year-old who is doing something that they really hope the adults don't find out about, that too is good stuff. But mostly it's the simple fact that you can't rush a pancake; pancakes take time, and time spent together is of course the ultimate secret to a happy marriage.

-- Cara, Peonies and Polaroids

Melisa: "My Secret to a Happy Marriage"

Do things to make each other smile. Like making your husband breakfast in bed if you don’t normally cook (me). Or watching back-to-back episodes of Project Runway, even though you don’t like reality TV (Paulie). Or leaving surprise notes on the other person’s phone that say things like, “I love you tons...have a happy day” or “Hello, luvah!” (both of us). When Paulie comes home from work or walks into the room at a friend’s house, I still get excited to see him. Because he always makes me smile. We're best friends.

-- Melisa, The Lil Bee

Ellie: "My Secret to a Happy Marriage"

My husband and I have been married for only four months, but before we were married we took a nearly four-month backpacking trip to Thailand. Even though we had been together for years, we learned so much from the experience. So my advice is: Take adventures! No matter how big or small your adventure, you'll plan together, be spontaneous together, and create wonderful memories from the ups and downs.

-- Ellie, Mint

Alyson: "My Secret to a Happy Relationship"

What makes my relationship with DLB, my partner-in-crime and soon-to-be husband, so special is our friendship. Whether we're singing songs together on a road trip, reading books on a blanket in the park or tasting the newest beer at the local brew pub, it's important to be able to have fun together....Or you could win his heart by baking a peach pie. That one always works.

-- Alyson, Unruly Things

Traci French: "My Secret to a Happy Marriage"

Fight hard, laugh harder. This is what works for us. Mr. French and I are ridiculously passionate (emotional) people. If we keep things inside, our relationship suffers. We argue and fight, but always in a respectful way. More importantly, we laugh. I married Mr. French because he was the first man I ever met that made me laugh until I cried...and he still does. -- Traci French, Bliss

Jesse and Whitney: "Our Secrets to a Happy Marriage"

Here's the good stuff in a nutshell:

* We step away from our routines: a walk, a picnic, a trip, a day outing.
* Drinking coffee together. (We met at a coffee shop!)
* I'm a sucker for his foot rubs.
* Dinners made with love.
* We try to clearly define work time and us time. (That's a tough one.)
* He gives me space for yoga and massages.
* We always get hooked on the latest HBO mini series.
* Family walks, with two pugs and one cute boy.
* Shared interests are important. It's the transformation of these interests into reality that sustains us.

-- Jesse and Whitney Chamberlin, Our Labor of Love

(Photo by Max Wanger)

Nie Nie: "My Secrets to a Happy Marriage"

Christian and I never go to bed without each other (unless we are away, of course). No sleeping-on-the-couch business either. We leave love notes to each other often. I hide them near his keys, and he puts them on the kitchen table. We dance in front of the children. And we pray together daily.

-- Stephanie Nielson, a hero of heroes, Nie Nie Dialogues

Anna Bond: "Our Secrets to a Happy Marriage"

"Love your other how they need to be loved, not how you need to be." A friend told me this simple mantra, saying that it had transformed his parents' marriage. It has stuck with me ever since. It makes so much sense and yet is so easy to forget because I think by nature we tend to be pretty selfish. Love is selfless, though, and what truly makes me happy is when my husband is happy. So, a key to a good marriage is trying your best to focus on what your significant other needs you to be to him, instead of what you want him to be to you.

P.S. Nathan told me I should write, "Have drunken sex as often as you can." Ha.

-- Anna Bond, Rifle Design

(Photos by Bethalee Photography; see more on Anna's flickr page)

Michael: "Our Secret to a Happy Marriage"

Elizabeth and I have been together for nearly eight years, were married July 2006 and had a baby last year. No one thing is the answer to happiness, but the more ways you can find to express your love, the better!

We started a tradition years ago of sneaking handwritten notes in clever places the night before a trip--like pockets, inside socks, in the baggie with the shampoo; she would stick them in my record case, wallet, sunglasses case; I would put them in her makeup bag, into an inside pocket of her handbag, etc, and the notes would be one-liners, written on torn sheets of paper, like 'I wish I could kiss you', or 'Your pillow smells amazing', or 'Remember when we were in Costa Rica?' The idea is that if there are enough, and they're well hidden, you'll discover new ones (in your pockets, in the luggage) daily throughout your whole trip. It makes being apart a bit more bearable!

-- Michael Antonia, The Flashdance

Yen: "My Secret to a Happy Marriage"

Whenever we go to bed, we hold hands. That way we talk a little, say good night and drift off holding hands. -- Yen, Front Studio and Lunch

Nichole: "Our Secrets to a Happy Marriage"

Think play, not romance.
Forget flowers, dinner and candles, and instead play a video game, have a water-gun battle or play in a photo booth (or with Photobooth if you have a Mac!).

Embrace imperfection.
Accept that you're both going to make mistakes, and if the mistake was not intentionally hurtful, let it go. Adjust your expectations and align them with reality (dirty towels on the floor, pre-menstrual hormone insanity), not fantasy (a pristine house, a perpetually perky disposition).

Reinvigorate the Old.
Life's grind sometimes whittles away the parts of us that are carefree, inspired, focused or fun. One of the best things you can do for your spouse is to defend the parts of them that you married them for. And that doesn't mean saying "You used to be so..." It means reminding them that they ARE those things; they're not gone, even on their most beaten down days.

Discover the New.
Embark on unplanned adventures. Often.

-- Nichole, Little Brown Pen

Erica and Patrick: "Our Secret to a Happy Marriage"

"I asked Patrick to give advice; it's simple and honest and a little funny," says Erica.

"Once the initial courtship is finished, be real about who you are. I'm not a cook, I can be organizationally challenged--but I've never pretended otherwise. You don't need to be perfect, just be yourself. Because once you find that special someone you just can't live without, everything else is bonus from there," says Patrick.

-- Patrick and Erica, Thoughtful Day

Elly: "Our Secret to Happy Marriage"

During a recent visit to my husband's childhood home, I found out that he has some mad yo-yo skillz. Not only can he "walk the dog" (he makes this hilarious bark for our daughter every time he does it), but "rock the baby" and "pop the clutch"! Six and a half years of marriage--how could I not know this about him? What if we were on a game show and I had been asked about this?

I've gleaned many good tips about marriage along the way, but the thread that runs through them all is to never stop learning. My husband's unexpected strengths--his patience, his kindness, his unconditional love, his yo-yo finesse--are all things that I couldn't have possibly known about him when I said, "I do." But, without learning to let him be him, learning to listen, learning to be wrong, learning to love, just learning how to be married, I'm not sure where we'd be now or where we'd end up. And I can't imagine what our marriage would be like without those moments where I say to myself, "Well, this is new!" while Doug "loops the loop."

-- Elly

Joslyn: "My Secret to a Happy Marriage"

I love coffee. Love it. Can't live without it. Despite the fact that my hubby Bryan can barely function in the mornings, he makes coffee and brings me a cup exactly the way I like it (a little cream and a teaspoon of Sugar in the Raw) every. single. day. His bleary eyed coffee delivery is the ultimate sweet, simple, thoughtful gesture of love.

-- Joslyn, Simple Lovely